Dd is so negative | Imamother

amother

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 7:54 pm

Dd is 8 yrs old. She is always so negative! The teachers don’t complain about it but I don’t know if it means she doesn’t do it in school or just that it’s never mentioned to me.
She literally walks into the door kvetching and complaining about every random thing. She can be not so nice to neighbors when they do things even unintentionally. She’s so high strung and it really bothers me!! Many mornings we have tantrums about random things under the sun etc.
She just started going to a Sunday clubs and the girl running it nicely told me that she was causing everyone to have bad attitudes and she is more than welcome to come if she actually behaves and will enjoy it otherwise she should just stay home.

What should I do with her?!?!? How can I change this?
I try playing things down or rephrasing things for her. We have some better days but never a day goes by without a good amount of complaining and saying not such nice things about either teacher, bus driver, friend (or even me:)

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 8:30 pm

Start a gratitude journal or go around the table asking everyone to say something they're grateful for that day. She'll need to seek out positive moments and it'll be on her radar to collect them throughout the day.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 10:46 pm

Does she enjoy going to the club? Tell her nicely what the head of the club said to you and use it as an example of how the complaining effects the people around her. She may not realize how the complaining is perceived by others. Point out the positives around you when your daughter nearby. Examples: it’s a beautiful day! We’re so lucky to live here or to have such nice weather!
Wasn’t it nice of the teacher to give u extra recess today? Etc

amother

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 10:49 pm

amother Oatmeal wrote:

Thank you! I did have a small talk with her. She totally understood. But it’s still an in the moment thing. She’s a little spaced out when it comes to these social nuances. She’s ten steps ahead already. Like when I was talking to her tonight about the clubs situation she kept trying to interrupt at the end to change the topic. I wonder if it’ll really help. She almost doesn’t realize what she even says until I point it out…

tichellady

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 1:02 am

you can’t really change her. sounds like she is struggling and feels safe with you. do you think she’s depressed? it is hard to be her parent and I’m sure it’s hard to be her too and feel the way she does. no real advice but just wanted to give that perspective

cbg

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 2:53 am

Buy her a really pretty notebook and pen
Take her to the store and let her pick it out
This would be her #TYH notebook
Let her write daily at least 3 things she is thankful for
In the beginning it’s going to be the same things over and over but eventually she’ll seek them out
Also, let her hear you say B”H, Chasde Hashem, TYH, randomly, out of no where, and often. There’s no better way to teach a child then modeling
Also go around the table and have everyone say something they are thankful for
Years ago I was walking in the old city and someone put up a blackboard for ppl to write things they were thankful
Impressive.
It’s impossible to be thankful and not be positive

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 4:28 am

Wow, my daughter is 10 and behaves similar.
Its hard.

How is she when she is happy?
When she receives presents, gets what she wanted, nice supper, has friends over, trips etc?

My daughter is very much like this at home but usually out of the house its ok.

Sometimes I trt to reframe her language .
Also teaching her dan lkaf zchus, because that can really help.
Im speaking to myself aswel because I also need it.

Sorry about the club, if she just started going can they give her more of a chance if its really just the beginning.

Totally get you about jumping to end of discussion.
If she doesnt like it shel just move on and expect me to follow.

WhatFor

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 5:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Have you ever had her evaluated for anything? Is it possible she has a neurodivergence or something else? This sounds like it could be a little more than just a personality type.

amother

Hosta

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 6:43 am

I recently listened to a podcast by rabbi Shimon Russell & rabbi Solomon about raising emotionally healthy children & the importance of tuning into their emotions.
It’s on ‘coach menachem’ from the YidPod app.

It was amazing & extremely helpful.

amother

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:09 am

She’s pretty confident and teachers all tell me she is no problem with friends etc. she can def say not such nice things here and there to girls but nothing too crazy. That’s something we work on as well but it’s part of the whole chain.
The TYH notebook is a really nice idea but In general she doesn’t have a hard time with that. She randomly writes me letters of “I love you. You do such good stuff with me or buy me nice things” etc. she’s just always saying how stupid her craft came out and how dumb the activity was and how annoying her morah is…..she doesn’t generally mean it wholeheartedly. She forget these complaints a few minutes later usually…
I feel like it’s her way of getting attention or something. I’m really not sure!

amother

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:11 am

amother Dimgray wrote:

Generally it’s worse with me around:) dh laughs sometimes because he can be around her and she’ll be fine and suddenly I come home and she will go all out crying kvetching complaining etc to me. But it’s not only me because see the club’s situation too

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Even if she's confident and good with friends, it could be anxiety/stress and this is a coping mechanism. It might be all she knows about expressing some discomfort---it's hard at any age to be mindful of and express feelings well, certainly for a child.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:32 am

When possible (and in real life that's only sometimes) find out what she wants the complaint to mean. She may actually be complaining about something real, or she may just be letting off steam.

If she says he craft came out stupid, ask if she wants time to fix it. Or does she want to throw it out and just not have it any more? Let her see that people listen to her and that her words have consequences.

If she doesn't want anything to change, then insist she restate her complaint.

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:38 am

Consider starting to ask her about her feelings and get her to talk about them and explore that. It may be that complaining about this person or that thing isn't really the issue. It could be "I'm really hangry and grumpy" or "I'm scared of being made fun of if my project looks silly because of x y z" or ???? It's just easier to complain about this or that person or thing, or bark out some not nice words---which tbh, is true for most of us if we don't take the time to deal with our uncomfortable feelings.

amother

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 10:06 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

This is very helpful! Thank you!